This doesn't have to last, This is for right now. [entries|friends|calendar] unresponsive [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[11 Feb 2006|12:42am] i miss the days when i could freely type what i felt at the exact moment i felt it. yeah i miss the internet. 2| ♥

To the love I left behind [31 Jan 2006|12:38am] I couldn't sleep last night. The scent of you was keeping me up. So strong. On that shirt you let me have. And for a second I felt like you were next to me. Like old times. Like old times. Flashbacks to the beginning. To all the feelings I used to have. All the memories. All the good moments. All the bad ones. All mixed together in a blur. Like going through a scrapbook. Its funny how things turn out. I would have never thought this would happen to us. No matter how hard we fought. No matter how hard I tested our relationship, I always thought we'd make it through. I always thought... And as I look out your window tonight. Out on to Wellwood. It still feels like summer. It still feels like summer in my heart. Like nothing has changed. And I could hear you calling me back to your bed. But then I realize. I was dreaming. Everything is different now. Its all a faded memory. ♥

[04 Jan 2006|04:50am] sometimes i like to sit or stand next to people that are having an argument. i like to know that i'm not the only one having problems. ♥

random [22 Dec 2005|02:02am] Every time I see a house decorated for Christmas, it makes me wanna cry. 1| ♥

Here comes the rain again [22 Dec 2005|01:54am] so ive been really bitchy lately. like really. i kinda like it though. telling everyone off. having confrontations with stupid people. i must be pmsing hardcore. up and down mood swings. sleeping over laurens house. shes always good at making me feel better. singing culture club songs in the car and pigging out at friendlys. dropped alot of money today. bought a dvd recorder vhs thing for the g-ma. was supposed to see chris and get a discount. he called out of work today. i was so mad. i felt like crying. and not because i was gonna spend 70 dollars more than i would have if i used his discount. i was mad because i was really looking forward to seeing him. its been so long. and things have been blah between us. and all i wanted to do was give him a hug and talk to him for a bit. but instead i had to deal with some half-wit asshole named joe that worked in the home theater dept and had no idea what he was doing. needless to say he received the brunt of my anger and pms-y mood swings. ugh. i wish i could think of a better word. time for bed i suppose. ♥

[13 Dec 2005|03:27am] I really wish someone would reach out and hold me. Like right now. 1| ♥

Youll Never See Me Cry [13 Dec 2005|01:13am] Wow what a blur. Lately. In and Out of the Mall. Christmas sucks. Working retail sucks. Watching everyone have someone sucks. Holidays remind us single people how lonely life really is. Did I need that reminder? No. So Ive been working alot. To keep my mind off of things. So I dont slip into a full on depression. Drinking way too much caffeine. Cursing way too much. Spending way to much money on peoples christmas gifts. Hooray for Christmas Spirit. Or should I say Holiday Spirit? Those fucking people. Thats who I hate. More than couples holding hands and walking too slow in the mall and standing on long lines for one item or encountering assholes who like to unfold every fucking sweater to find a size small. Its those that get offended when a person says "Merry Christmas." Or they feel the need to correct you. Like wishing them something nice isnt enough. Like it really fucking matters. And working in a low paying department store job has forced me to cir-come(sp?) to the public's pressure to be politically correct and use that fucking phrase. And with a smile to boot. And give them a coupon, gift receipts, and boxes. I cant wait till its all over. What a greedy fake holiday. So besides the problem with Christmas and my job, Im pretty happy. Just trying to piece together my life. And get it in order. Thats my New Year's resolution. And I think once I get my life together I'll be alot happier. To focus all my attention on making myself a better person. Not worrying about hurting peoples feelings or making them unhappy. Thats the plus side to being single. And then when Im finally put back together, I can focus on finding someone. And not be worried that I could fuck it up. Cause even though I wish certain people would stick around and put up with my bullshit I know thats selfish and they deserve better. Yes. Thats a very good idea. 2| ♥

Good 80's Songs to Dance to on a Lonely Saturday Night: [13 Dec 2005|12:55am] -The Clash "Rock the Casbah" -Wham "Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)" -Naked Eyes "Promises, Promises" -The Knack "My Sharona" -Frankie Goes to Hollywood "Relax" -Prince "1999", "Lets Go Crazy" -Elvis Costello "Pump It Up" -Rick James "Give It To Me Baby," "Super Freak" (i dont know if these count since they came out in 1979/80) 2| ♥

For what its worth [10 Dec 2005|01:36am] David Gray "Babylon" Friday night I'm going nowhere All the lights are changing green to red Turning over TV stations Situations running through my head Well looking back through time You know it's clear that I've been blind I've been a fool To ever open up my heart To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule Saturday I'm running wild And all the lights are changing red to green Moving through the crowd I'm pushing Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream Only wish that you were here You know I'm seeing it so clear I've been afraid To tell you how I really feel Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made If you want it Come and get it Crying out loud The love that I was Giving you was Never in doubt Let go your heart Let go your head And feel it now Babylon, Babylon Sunday all the lights of London Shining , Sky is fading red to blue I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves And wondering where it is you might be going to Turning back for home You know I'm feeling so alone I can't believe Climbing on the stair I turn around to see you smiling there In front of me If you want it Come and get it Crying out loud The love that I was Giving you was Never in doubt And feel it now Let go your heart Let go your head And feel it now Let go your heart Let go your head And feel it now Let go your heart Let go your head And feel it now Let go your heart Let go your head And feel it now Babylon, Babylon, Babylon 2| ♥

I made my bed [07 Dec 2005|12:46am] this feeling is out of control. It hurts so bad. Like my chest is being crushed in. And I cant even get a few words out. To save myself. And my tears are everything I ever wanted to say. But couldnt. Everything I kept in. Every secret. But no one sees or understands. And even if they did. They would question my sincerity. The lonelyness is crushing. Its causing a panic attack. Dont wake me up. Dont wake me up if things are going to be the same. If the reflection will be the same. A sad pathetic waste. Sigh. 1| ♥

This is true [03 Dec 2005|02:26am] I really wish you would give me a second chance. I miss feeling loved, for real. ♥

P.S. [27 Nov 2005|09:40am] Ive been on myspace for the last 8 hours. Wow, what a waste of time 2| ♥

wake up and smell the roses. [27 Nov 2005|07:06am] so i slept over laurens house tonight. but i didnt do much sleeping. been on the computer all night. havent done that in so long. for some reason im not even alittle bit tired. i guess its the usual thoughts running through my head that are keeping me up. keeping me going. god. i hate wishing. it gets you no where. it gets me no where. picturing different scenes in my head of how i wish things were. in the perfect ideal life of chloe. what a waste of time. never fixing my problems. just writing them over and over and over and over again in this stupid shit box. livejournal is an enabler. if it was a real person. i kinda wish it would tell me what i have to do to fix things and make things good. Kick me in the ass and help me get my life back in order. Nonsense thoughts. I cant believe its 7:15. I like having the weekend off. Ha. It feels like Ive had the last 6 months off. From school. From work. From my life. Im avoiding everything. I really wish I could figure things out already. So sure of everything but when it comes to actually taking that leap and acting I freeze up. Lately Ive been feeling so lonely. haha I like how I used the word lately. lately = for awhile now. Its funny how certain things make you realize how much you love a person. When you dont see someone for days how badly you want to see them. How badly would you miss them if they dissappeared for good? Obviously Im talking about chris. I cant go a day without talking to him. even if its just on the phone. if its any longer than that I start going crazy thinking he died or he hates me or i fucked up once again. this whole morning Ive been thinking about him. and how i wanted to write a profound journal entry. something I havent done in a long time. but I was stuck on the topic for hours. what to write when i feel like all Ive been doing is floating in and out of sleep through the last months of my life. funny how every random sentence leads back to him. and how ive been feeling lately. and this morning. for some reason. more than any other. i really wish i could be with him. in my bed. waking up with him. that would make me so happy. to wake up and not be alone. especially on a sunday. to sleep all day and never leave your bed. i would love to wake up next to someone that i really love. hm. how do you go about telling someone that with out weirding them out? my mind is so sure about so many things. its ridiculous. but then again i realize theres a difference between whats up there and whats going on in reality. my greatest fear is that he'll get so sick and tired of my games that hell just leave me for good. which is ironic. cause for some reason im testing how much he can take. how far i can push until he says fuck it. urg i wanna see him so badly. and i guess thats all i have to say. 1| ♥

what ive decided. [26 Nov 2005|01:27am] Love is a summer thing. 2| ♥

play me a sad song. [16 Nov 2005|11:28pm] i miss alot of stuff lately. Feeling particularly melancholy. For no apparent reason. Maybe its the season changes. Who knows. Or the million thoughts running through my head. Obsessing over decisions I cant change or wishing I could make better ones. Wishing I could be a better person. Wishing I wasnt so stupid all the time. Wishing I could stop pushing people away. (Why do I constantly feel like I'm in over my head?) Making small things in to colossal issues. Obsessing over looking cool and tough. Using my crazyness as a coverup for why I cant get close to anyone ever. ugh. Ive hit a road-block. I need to change everything. Stop feeling sorry for myself. Stop sabotaging things that I care about just so that i can have a sad topic to write in my journal. A reason to be unhappy. I don't want to be sad anymore. And I guess thats all I have to say for now. ♥

hes always on your mind. [16 Nov 2005|11:17pm] "And when she says she wants somebody else I hope you know that's she doesn't mean you" ♥

Time for the cheesy song lyrics. [12 Nov 2005|12:45am] Nikka Costa "I Gotta Know" I gotta know If I give my heart to you That everything you say is true And everything you say you'll do you'll do I gotta know If I bare my soul right here You'll never run or disappear You'll hold me till the hours turn to years And I gotta say My heart has never been so sure You've mended every piece that tore And now my love's too strong to tear away So I gotta know If you feel the same my dear Let's justify why we are here Say the words that I long to hear... 'Cause I've been so strong for so long I never needed anyone But my strenght is wearing out my heart So I'm letting my guard down 'Cause I feel like I've finally found somebody But I gotta know I gotta know You'll still kiss away my tears Even if they make no sense Even if they put you on defense I gotta know Throught the times when it gets rough That our love will be enough And we'll never let it go I know only time will tell But I need to hear it anyway 'Cause now my love's too strong to tear away ♥

[08 Oct 2005|11:45pm] I miss my old friends. 4| ♥

Preface [05 Oct 2005|02:00am] Its been awhile. The last few weeks have been up & down. All over the map. I've been writing alot. Everything I wanted to say at a given moment, but couldn't. The last few journal entries are from my notebook. The ones that are less recent are dated. Read em if you want to. 2| ♥

Late Night Window Confessions [05 Oct 2005|01:58am] I'm not drunk enough for this. It's funny. The view outside your window. It looks like summer. I wish it still was. Get me drunk. Make me forget everything. Please. I want to forget. Im restless. I need a reason to end it all. To end this feeling. Anything. Let me feel it. Its always the same. Try not to feel it. Breath in deep. Cause thats all you can do to make yourself believe things are different. Scrawl down anything. Into your little notebook of secrets. Cause thats all you can remember of this night and the last. Let it be a reminder. Of how overwhelming it can feel. To be completely alone and to have noone. Cry it out. Cause thats all you have. Its the only thing you have left. Remember this is it. You can't change who you are. You just have to accept. You'll never be anything. ♥

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]